“I miss having sex with a man sometimes.” We were sitting in Gato del Sol, our neighborhood Mexican restaurant, having what passes for Sunday brunch, just like we did nearly every Sunday. I was skimming through the ads in the weekly alternative paper when she looked up from her iPhone and said that, breaking a good five minutes of comfortable silence. “I mean, I can’t handle a real relationship with a guy. No way I could trust them like that, I know,” she said, then smiled impishly. “But the sex itself?” “What about it?” I said, fighting the urge to remind her of all the reasons she had steered clear of men completely for the last year and a half. “Well…it’s not the same. Like, its a whole other experience that I’ve gone totally without. I like how it feels to have him inside me, and be controlled by a man,” she said. “I actually can cum just from that. I don’t even have to play with my clit if the sex is really good. It was the best part of my ex-boyfriend. Especially since he couldn’t give oral worth anything. It’s just different. I can be dominated by you, and that’s always been great, but its a whole other level of it with a man.” She paused, then qualified it: “Not better, but different.” “Yes, I know, Hani. I’ve had sex with guys, too. I remember,” I said. She was lost in a daydream about getting some dick, and I had no idea where this was coming from. “Don’t get me wrong, I love you, Nona, you know that. And we’re together now. But don’t you sometimes miss what that’s like? It’s not like either one of us is really lesbian.” The truth was, I didn’t really miss it that much, and she was right about us both being bisexual; I was occasionally attracted to men. The difference was, I never really contemplated acting on it. I loved Hani too much to let my mind’s gears turn very far toward those thoughts. Hani’s gears were turning right in front of me, however. Suddenly, I lost my appetite for my Mimosa. She studied me from across the table, took a nervous gulp from hers, then made an about face. “You know what? Never mind, it’s just a passing thought.” After that, we made small talk about other things, but I knew that both of our minds were solidly on her admission for the rest of the day and beyond. – I met Hani when we were both waitressing at Golden China Restaurant. At the time, she was dating and living with a relative of the owner, and I was working my way through my last year of school. We became fast friends: two Cambodians who were assumed to be Chinese just like everyone else at the restaurant. She didn’t just like me, she trusted me, and when she finally got the courage to walk away from a brutally abusive relationship, it was me and my one-bedroom apartment that she ran to. She loved me, and I more than returned the feelings. Yet, all of that was before either of us experienced anything sexual with each other. She tried to date again, but poor Hani was in the middle of a terrible streak of men. By the time she got stood up for a date with a guy who actually seemed to be worth a damn, she’d had enough of men and nearly of life too. I took on the role of nurturer; I knew I could be there for her, and she could count on and depend on me. It wasn’t long before Hani’s sensitive, submissive nature and my role as protector led to the two of us acting on our mutual attraction. But as happy as we were, part of me couldn’t help but wonder and fear: what would happen if she fell out of love with me? The long shadow of unknown men competing with me for such a beautiful, petite young woman like her always stoked my uglier, defensive, and possessive tendencies. Selfishly, I wished she wasn’t bisexual, just so the insecurity could go away. But those moments always passed, and I knew that all the things that had been taken away from me in my life didn’t mean that Hani would get taken away, too. At least, I hoped not. On that Sunday, though, the dark moment of doubt only festered. I couldn’t let it go. – “So, what got you thinking about sex with men, Hani?” I said while mixing the greens into a fresh stir fry that evening. “Because I know you can’t help how you feel, but I just hope you’re not forgetting all you went through with guys before. It’s not like sex really comes without any of the other stuff.” “Believe me, Nona. I’ll never forget any of that,” she said, leaning on the bar and watching the stiff leaves turn dark and limp among the vegetables and oil in the skillet. “I don’t want to depend on a man ever again, that’s the biggest reason I’m here!” “You’re here with me because you don’t want to depend on men? I thought that who I was personally might figure pretty big into that too,” I said, pausing to look at her. She sighed as her hopeful smile dissolved. “That’s not what I meant, Nona! We’re perfect for each other, and that’s all about who you are,” She said, taking more of a gulp than a sip of her wine. “Okay, so why would you fantasize about anything else?” “Do we have to talk about this now? I just gaziantep suriyeli escort made one comment and now I’ve had to walk eggshells around you ever since,” she said, the pout just starting to creep into her words, like it always did when she got defensive. “I’m sorry, but yes, we do. How would you feel if one day I told you that maybe I missed seeing other people?” I asked. “Would you not think even a little about that for the rest of the day, or would it be too neurotic to ask me just what the hell I meant? Now imagine that I said that about a man.” “I never said that,” she said. “But you might as well have! What’s more intimate or important in a relationship than sex? We haven’t had it in weeks, and you say you want to give it to a man now?” “I said sometimes I miss it,” she said, lowering her voice. “Not ‘to hell with Nona’ or that I want to date a guy. I didn’t even say I definitely wanted something else, just that I miss it sometimes.” Her voice was rising as she went. “But what do I get for being honest? An attack. Thanks so much! Sorry I ever told you what I was feeling,” she said and started to leave the kitchen. I walked after her. “So its not about trust, or love, or relationships at all, huh? You just want something else in bed,” I said. “That’s where I’m not good enough now, right? That’s what all this is about!” “Nona, I never said…” “Who is it?” I asked, the toughness in my voice cracking. “It’s not anybody,” she said, leaning toward me in desperation and looked me in the eye. “I promise.” “So, any dick will do then,” I said through a thin sarcastic smile. “Fuck you, Nona. Yes, any dick will do as long as it goes deeper than your fingers!” she said as she ran down the hall and slammed the door. I returned to the kitchen and loaded the stir fry onto plates as I listened to her muffled sobs from inside our bedroom. I knew I’d handled it the wrong way. I also had no idea where to go from here, other than to apologize and try to move on. She didn’t have anything to apologize for; I just wished she didn’t feel the way she did. I slid both plates of food into the trash and poured another glass of wine. – Over the next week, I did what I always did after the dust cleared from an argument:: I showered her with kindness. She told me she was sorry she ever brought it up, and with that, I promised never to bring it up again. I’d hoped those conversations would fade and be forgotten, but I despite my promises I was unable to shake the doubts. Late at night, after she would get home from her shift, we would catch each other up on our lives. When the time was right, I’d hoped we’d share our bodies too, but she was avoiding that even more now. The original cornerstone of our relationship- intimacy and understanding through our sex life- wasn’t happening much anymore. Her therapist told her it was probably just part of her unhappiness, brought on by the scars and scrapes of all she’s endured, and that she’d be best to work through it rather than throw anti-depressants at it. Hani needed to know that I was going nowhere, no matter what the struggle. “And the sex,” he said, “would come back if our foundation was solid.” In the meantime, though, it hurt to be rejected, and this latest blow-up only opened the wound further. Unable to will her to a happier place where she felt more comfortable with our intimacy, I tried to take note of everything between us. Why was she late getting home? What’s she so upset about? Why did she seem so damn unavailable lately? Was she going straight on me, or was it just a bad few weeks that would pass eventually? When would these thoughts of mine have some mercy and calm down? In a fit of paranoia one early morning, I even went through her iPhone while she slept to see who she’d contacted. I checked her internet history, too. I almost wished I found some stranger’s emails and texts in there; at least then, I’d have answers. But things got no better and something had to give. As time went by with no change for the better, I was willing to give more and more. – “Hani,” I finally said one day as I drove her to work, “If anything about us is bothering you, you can tell me, you know.” “No, baby…I’m fine,” she said, while thumbing through her email on her phone. After a pause, she looked up and over to me. “Are you okay?” “Yeah, I’m good,” I said. The silence then hung like sword, until finally the pain was enough that I swung it down. “Okay, that’s a lie. I’m not okay with the way things are right now, and I know we weren’t going to mention it anymore,” I said, took a deep breath, then continued. “But, I can’t help but think that what we talked about last weekend has something to do with it.” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her slump slightly in her seat. “Nona, I don’t think we should talk about that. It was all just a stupid thought, and I don’t want to fight with you again.” “I’m sorry I got so upset with you, baby. But I really think that unless we are open with each other that what we have might go away. And I don’t want that,” I said. “I don’t either,” she said, putting her phone and makeup into her purse. “I’m serious. I’ve felt real distance between us lately. And I know that you aren’t happy, and the things you feel aren’t stupid. In fact, I think that all of this is related. I understand, baby, I really do,” I said, trying to divide my concentration between my sullen girlfriend and a good place to stop without holding up traffic in the mall parking lot. “Thanks for saying that,” she said. “But, what do you want me to say? O don’t want to do things that hurt you.” I stopped the car and put it in park. “I love you more than anything, and I want you to be happy. If you aren’t, then I’m not, okay? That’s just me being honest,” I said. “Nona, I’m a little late, I gotta go,” she said with an apologetic wince. “Okay, I know. All I want to say is, if you’re serious about what you told me,” I said. Hani leaned forward, not yet following. “About sex with a guy? We can talk about it. I’m open to it.” “You mean by, having a guy…for sex?” she said, her face giving away her disbelief.. “Well, we could at least talk about it. I’ve done a lot of thinking. A friend of mine at work has had threesomes with her girlfriend and other guys. It’s just sex, it can work.” Hani just looked at me, dumbstruck. “Depends on the guy, but…” “Okay, well…wow,” she said through a nervous laugh. “But I really have to go. We’ll talk about it later, okay? I love you, bye!” She closed the car door behind her and strutted hurriedly into the restaurant. – We had no idea what we were doing, but I made good on my offer to talk about maybe putting a guy in our mix, and Hani assured me that she wanted nothing more than a little fun, and that she didn’t even really care if they were compatible, since it wouldn’t really matter beyond sex. “I don’t want a guy just because its a guy. I mean, its got to be somebody attractive,” she told me and my friend Carla, the three-way veteran from my office. She and I thought of the same guy that might be perfect for this, and Hani agreed to meet him. His name was Sean, a recent young divorcee’ in our office who we knew to be both perfectly nice and perfectly harmless. He had always been great to me, friendly yet professional, fit, and the picture of ‘clean-cut white professional’. I built up the courage to float the idea to him at a one-on-one lunch, and once I convinced him I wasn’t joking, he was more than interested. I told him that it was all about the rules, and no matter what happened, he had to respect the both of us the whole way. First though, we met him for dinner, which he insisted on treating us to. Nothing of the possible tryst was mentioned, and everything was pleasant and kept light. My butterflies settled and I actually felt my inner dread start to slip away. Then we got in the car to go home. “I don’t like him,” she said. “Why not? He’s great! He’s cute, not even slightly a jerk, and I can tell he’s attracted to you,” I said. “I agree, he seems great,” she said. “But, I couldn’t be less attracted to him.” “He might be really good though. Trust is half the battle, and I know we can trust him, Hani.” “Nona, getting excited about the prospect is the bigger half, and sorry, there’s no way he’s going to excite me.” Plan foiled. “Well, if this is something you’re serious about, then we’ll keep looking,” I said. “Of course I’m serious about it, what do you think all this talk is really about?” she said. “Besides, I don’t think we have to look very far. I’ve got somebody.” “And who is this?” “His name’s Deke, he works in the vitamin and supplement place next to the restaurant. I met him when I bought some ginseng. Now, I go talk to him after my shift sometimes.” “Okay, Deke? What’s he like?” “You’ll find out tomorrow, I invited him to stop by for lunch.” “But we were going out for lunch,” I reminded her. “We have all those errands to run, so we were going to grab food out. Besides, we don’t even have anything!” “Easy, I’ll pick something up. It won’t take long, I just want you to meet him.” What could I say? I agreed to meet him, and even volunteered to buy and pick up the lunch for the three of us. That night though, I couldn’t settle. What had I agreed to? And what would happen if I suddenly wasn’t comfortable? I could sense that at some point, it was going to come down to either giving in to these things or eventually losing Hani. Neither option gave me the comfort necessary to sleep. – Deke’s Notes:I remember the day she came into the store for the first time. A pretty little thing, five feet tall at the most, with a delicate face and long black hair down to her tiny waist. Even in a button-down waitress uniform I knew she had it going on, and the sparkle in her eyes let me know something deep down inside was up to no good. I’m embarrassed to say this, but I forgot her name the first two times she told me. I was too busy lusting and daydreaming about what I’d do to this lovely little brown Asian if given the chance. She kept coming in to talk to me, and soon I could almost count on seeing her every day that she worked. I knew she liked me, but I also knew she had a girlfriend. I didn’t know how committed she was to ‘the other side’, so I played it cool, flirted my ass off, and took a wait-and-see approach.So imagine how my prick jumped in my pants one day when she told me about how she missed the touch of a man in the sack even though she loved her girlfriend. She said that they talked about it, and were ready to fool around with a guy, as long as it was ‘no strings attached’. She wanted to know if I might be interested, like she was asking if I wanted to go watch a movie with her or something. Fuck yes, you bet your little round ass I’m interested! It’s like the sex gods dropped a gift out of the sky just for me. That twinkle in her eye only got brighter and more devious, and you can imagine what was running through my mind in bed that night. There’s always porn, but nothing got me hard and ready for release like the thought of my new friend Hani, the perfect little Cambodian goddess, riding this black dick all night long. I went to her place to meet her and her roommate. What a treat it was to see her out of uniform, showing that little body off in nothing but shorts and a tight little t-shirt. She was perfect. Her roommate showed up with lunch, and I’ll be damned if she wasn’t just about as sexy as Hani was. A little thicker and a little taller, but nothing wrong with that. She introduced herself as Nona and said she had been looking forward to meeting me, but damn, she seemed so nervous. It wasn’t personal I don’t think, but it was like she was scared of me. I got excited when Hani brought up the idea of getting together for a little fun like she mentioned to me before, but I could see that hot-ass Nona was really anxious about it.She started asking me all kinds of questions, like, “Do you have a girlfriend?”, and “Do you use protection when you have sex?”, shit like that. Other than how much I was trying to stare at her titties, I had nothing to hide, and truth be told, I don’t even fuck around all that much. I broke it off with a crazy woman about a month back and since then its been dry as a bone. I told her that, and I think her nerves finally calmed down a little bit. It’s like I told them, if they want to have a good time with no pressure and no bullshit, I’m their man. All they had to do was say the word. The two of them left the room for about five minutes, then came back to tell me that we should get together that next Saturday. They would be laying out at the pool around 2pm, I could join them then.I don’t have to tell you what I thought about in bed that night. – I tried to get her to take it slow with this guy, Deke. I asked what the rush was, and how it could possibly hurt for us both to get together with him again before we take that next step, but all she really took from that was the feeling that I was stalling, or reneging on what we’d talked about. She told me she felt safe with him, and had talked to him enough to know that he wasn’t going to hurt me, or want more from either of us, and that they were only friends. Honestly, he scared me a little. I’d never been with anybody as tall or as strong as he looked to be. I’d also never been with a black man, but neither had Hani. Why wasn’t she as nervous as I was about this? I didn’t want to know the answer. Still though, he was attractive, I admit, and it only scared me more to admit that. He did seem to completely respect our wishes on this, and that made me a little more comfortable despite everything else. But, comfortable enough to do away with the sickness in the pit of my stomach? Not even close. – I laid in the late spring sun, having applied my lotion, and sipped on a strong mix of rum and pineapple juice. I had been jumpy all day, and it only got worse as I disrobed and put on a swimsuit, knowing the next time I took something off, it could very well be in front of this man, Deke, that Hani had chosen for us. Was there an ‘us’ to this? I wondered to myself. Or was this simply for her, and I would watch? Would I really sit there and watch, like some lesbian cuckold? No, of course not. We were supposed to do this together, even though we never really got specific. All the talk about what it meant for her, and how I would handle it, and we never really talked about what would happen when the time came. Did I really even want this? Of course not! But I did agree to it. Maybe I could bow out and let them do whatever they do. No, then I’d feel guilty just in case it didn’t go right somehow and I wasn’t there to help her. Besides, it’s just sex, so relax! I panicked silently in the lounge chair, waiting on Hani to join me, and chasing a dozen unresolved thoughts around in my head. It wouldn’t be long before Deke was due to arrive too, but there was no way I was looking at a clock to confirm the time. Ignorance wasn’t bliss, but at least it would limit my anxiety.